I have been going back and fourth with my decision of having gastric bypass. A part of me really wants to do it and another part tells me to just stop and quit. I am so confused, upset and depressed with my weight loss. It seems like I do really good and then boom I gain it back. I don’t know whats with me. I am def not happy with myself.

I look back and if I did have my surgery June 2, 2010 it would have been very hard for me to visit my Mom in the hospital. I know that it wouldn’t be able to sit still knowing I am home and shes in the hospital. I would have been two weeks post opp if I did do it. If I did go to visit her in the hospital, I could have risked myself of picking up something. I know my Mom wouldn’t want that.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel that I am completely alone and in the dark with this. Nobody understands how it feels to be in my situation. I am just a complete mess. I do have support from family and friends but most of them tried to talk me out of the surgery. How can you support me and be happy for me yet your totally against it?? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I try to go to the gym at least 3 times a week and I do very good. I get to a point and then I sabotage it. I ALWAYS do this! I don’t know why I do this.  I want to be healthy, I want to be skinny and know I can go in any store and buy clothes.

My Mom’s situation has really taken me on a emotional roller coaster ride. I still can’t believe this has happen to her. She doesn’t eat bad, smoke or drink but yet she has a heart attack. Why?? I worry about her every single second of my life thinking that something seriously bad is going to happen. Why would God do this to such a good person? She doesn’t deserve at all.

I just think about when she was in the hospital and having all these machines hooked up to her. It makes me very upset. I picture myself in there very soon if I don’t do something now. I don’t want to be hooked up to different machines helping me to live. Its not fair to Matthew or any of my family or friends. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I don’t EVER want to be put in the same position my Mom is. I really think if I am going to do this (whether it be by surgery or not) I need the support of my family and friends. I know that everyone doesn’t approve of me having surgery (if I decided) but would you rather me being hooked up to machines or would you want me to be healthy and be happy. I know that I can’t make everyone happy, I heard this lesson when Matthew and I were getting married.

I also think that along with surgery or I do it by changing my diet and working drastically, I need to see someone to help me with my emotional eating habits. If you don’t find out why your doing it, there will be no progress. This is why I really like Jillian Michaels because shes a big believer in this. If you think about it, it does make sense to find out why your like this.

I am sorry that this blog wasn’t my typical blog, but I just need to vent or it was me crying my eyes out. I think I made the better choice.

I had a very busy weekend this week. Matthew and I decided on Friday that we were going to redo the bed room. Which worked out pretty well because my brother was moving out on Monday and he was leaving me his corner computer desk! Ever since I seen Jenn’s corner computer desk, I have been in love with them. So my brother was nice enough to give me his.

Our room looks so different! We have a lot more space too. We are both super dead tired of moving stuff around. Lack of sleep is no good! It really takes a toll on your body. I hope to get some more sleep soon. Maybe after doing 6 loads of wash I will take a nap.

Saturday we got the car inspected. I am so grateful it passed. I was worried it wouldn’t, but it did. We went to Kohls to get a graduation gift and a bridal shower gift. I was at Kohls early this week looking at the bridal shower gift I wanted to get. I couldn’t pick it up so Matthew helped me lift it and he also got me a new purse for our anniversary. I have been getting a lot of compliments on the bag too. I was eying it up when I first seen it along with a bunch of other goodies like a hello kitty watch and one of those ihomes for itouch or iphone.

Sunday we went to church. I got baptized Sunday morning. That water was so cold. Put it actually felt nice once I went outside and it was very hot. We had lunch at my favorite restaurant, Ruby Tuesday and then we went home.  Graduation party was very nice. Lots of food there and I was very careful what I ate. I didn’t want to blow my diet. I didn’t even have cake! Go me!

Monday was our 7th year wedding anniversary. I still can’t believe how we met. Some people are really iffy about meeting people online. I guess if we ever have kids, we will have to come up with a story other then meeting up online. I also had another online long distance relationship before when I was 16, but obviously it didn’t work because we were too young and too far away.

We redid the bedroom like I mention. Everything looks so different. I can’t believe the space we have in the bedroom. I should have took a before and after picture of the room. I am in love with my new computer desk. Everything fits so nice and everything has its own spot. I still need to fix up a few things, but that will get done in time. I will post a picture or maybe do a updated video and share with you guys our new room.

So I am sitting downstairs in the basement just hanging out and doing laundry. I counted I did about 6 loads of wash already with one more to go. Since my brother moved out, it will be one less person to wash for. I rather get it all done now, then have to do some everyday. Even though its super hot outside, I like to veg around and watch tv, go on the computer or do some workouts with my wii!

Wednesday night I went to the gym to do a aqua class. I decided that I should hop on the scale and see where I am at. I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks due to my Mom’s heart attack. I didn’t want to leave her, so I was finally able to go. The scale said I gained 2 pounds. I was pretty mad and pissed off with myself. I should have made better choices while eating out.

So today I went to the gym and the scale read that I am 2 pounds lighter! Oh this made me so happy. I am so excited that I lost those two pounds and now my body better watch out because I am going to turn into a gym freak! I am planning on going to the gym at least 5 times a week. I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I need to stop feeling bad about myself and stop feeling depressed. Get up and GO to the gym!

I have been feeling upset and depressed because I didn’t go through with the surgery, but more that I think about it I am glad I didn’t. One major reason why I am glad is that I wouldn’t be able to visit my Mom in the hospital because your suppose to stay away from hospitals when your recovering. That would just not stand right with me. It would have been super hard and depressing even more knowing my Mom is having surgery and I can’t be there.

So I was so lucky to find a great website called Myfitnesspal.Com. It is so freaking awesome! I happen to see some people on my facebook use it. So I decided to check it out, see what it is all about. I liked what I seen and signed up. I am not being paid to submit this link, it is a great tool for weight loss. Everyone on there is so nice and supportive! That is what I need, support!

I hope to be down to 349 VERY soon!!!!